guilty coward...

Guilt...
I hate the feeling.


I also hate that I feel guilty for things I shouldn't, or things that other people wouldn't feel guilty about.

Most of my guilt stems from not acting when I should have. From not doing something when something needed to be done by those around.

Part of the 'not doing' stems from my aloofness and denial nature, fear and unfortunately also because of my upbringing.

Have always been taught to stay clear of any trouble. Of not to interfere unless I totally had to.

I unfortunately live this way. Just like so many other people to.

I also hate being such a coward. Fear is something I will never have a grip over I think.


Caught a bus to the station today after so many days of travelling in a cab. Nearly got to the stop when the bus driver braked very suddenly. Lot of people try to get off before the stop cause one entrance of the station is before the stop and people prefer getting into the station from there. Anyway apparently the driver didn't have an option cause a taxi suddenly reversed.
So this 50+ year old man who was standing right in the front, hit his head on the front glass of the bus and his head started bleeding. The driver and conductor told him to sit down on the first seat and cover his wound with a handkerchief. Few people were remaining in the bus. Maybe 7 including the conductor. Some people got off the back of the bus and some passed that uncle and got off. I didn't know what to do and since the bus had totally stopped I had to get off but I wanted to help the old man but I didn't want to get involved in it all. So all I did was that while getting off, I asked the man if he was alright (ya how bright is that). Told him that maybe he should go to a hospital and that there was a hospital close by. So he turned to the driver and told him in Marathi to get him till a hospital. I kept thinking maybe I should offer to go with the old man but then another million thought came into my head -

where would the money come from right away if he needed to be admitted (I didn't have enough cash on me nor are my parents in the city)?
which hospital would he have to be taken to?
would there be some amount he would be able to claim for his treatment?
would he have to file a police complaint?
would he have to take out scans since he hit his head?
How would I manage any running around if I had to?
and lots of other questions.

So all I did was turn to the driver (who at least looked stricken - by what I am not sure) and asked if they would see that the man got to a hospital, and the driver said yes they would. I walked away toward the station feeling like hell.

All I could do in the train was feel stricken too - sick to the core that I just walked away. The old man was alone. He definitely could have used some help even if he didn't explicitly need it.

I also couldn't help but think that if we don't help strangers out in their time of need, how can we expect strangers to help us when we need help and no one we know is around.

The worse part of all of this is, that if the same thing happened tomorrow, I think I would walk off again. I would still feel like shit but I wouldn't act.



I hate being a coward and I hate the guilt I feel.